I’m Dave from the UK, I am now 30, I work a boring office job selling insurance. It’s nothing special but me and the lads try and make up for it at weekends and in summer we go on guys holidays. We have a good laugh and this story is about my 30th b/day party and the day leading up to it.
So, my b/day 2013 I finally turned the big 30. The day most people dread, until the big 40 creeps on you. As the days went slowly by til the weekend, the guys pestered me about what I was going to do. “How about a stripper?” “Lap dancing clubs? If we all chip in that’s a lot of naked skin rubbing up against you.” I kept telling them, I was happy with a quiet night in, poker, beer, junk food and maybe some cigars. I thought I’d finally got through to them but I was soon to realise they had just stopped asking me what I had wanted and decided amongst themselves. It just so happened that my b/day landed on a Saturday this year. Maybe it was fate allowing me to go wild and break all the rules and have a weekend to recover. These days I can’t party all night and go to work the next day, I need a few days to get back a functioning state lol. That is when you know you’re getting too old to try and stay out all night and still be human the next day, more like a Zombie.
As the week finally came to an end, we normally leave work at about 2PM on a Friday. We all skip our lunch break and go and grab a bite to eat somewhere local. Most of the time the local pub, it has an amusing name as a lot of UK pubs do “The Black Cock”. Not bad eating and all the food is grown and made locally. As I sat eating my Steak and chips, the lads brought me over a few pints. They know it only takes a few pints to get me into the party mood. And as usual the pints kept coming, lucky there was a live football game on, Liverpool vs Man Utd. I’d lost count to the number of pints I’d been bought, but now someone shouts “SHOTS!!!”, fucking hell this is turning into a crazy ass Friday again haha.
So we have had our food, pints, shots, and football. There is only 1 more thing men think about and that is shagging. Standing in line at a night club around the corner all I could think about was how F’in cold it was. If I stand out here any longer I’m gonna poke someone with my sub zero nipples. The bouncers at the door were crazy big and always had a chip the size a house on their shoulders. Luckily it was my mates cousin and so we in. As I got in the club I thought my ear had blown up, the music was deafening. But the view was awesome, young girls, short skirts and low cut tops, just what the Dr ordered. The Dutch courage was flowing through my veins and I started scouting the dance floor. I see a nice mixed race girl, must have been in her early 20s. I dance over strutting my moves, dancing near her getting closer with each move. She clocks it and we started dancing, you know the dirty girls when they turn and grind that ass right on your cock. God knows how long we were dancing, but there was a lot of 1st base action and a little 2nd base. She was a good kisser and she had a tongue bar in which is always sexy. we have a few drinks and then he friends tell her they are leaving and she joins them as well. I mean how much of a kick in the balls is that, so close yet so far away. Nothing really exciting happened that night, a few fights between excessively drunk guys. Probably over a women usually is, but when the bouncers come over it stops and they thrown the guys out the door. They get lift lol and slam into the ground pretty hard. Not surprising they must bench press tanks. Hopefully it will knock some sense into them. We grab a Kebab at the chippie and that’s another Friday night in the books.
I wake up to a pounding head and my stomach feels like it was run over by a truck. I scavenged for the Pepto-Bismol and gave it a big swig, gulping as I did. My house mate was cooking a nice big greasy English brekkie. Bacon, sausage, fried egg, beans, tin tomatoes, fried fresh tomatoes, fried mushrooms, hash browns, black pudding, fried bread, bread and butter and toast. To wash it down an giant pot of tea. John was a chef so we all loved his cooking and he can smash out an English brekkie fit for the Queen. That would be a funny sight, the Queen of English at our table stuffing her face with a full English, more tea Queen ahaha.
I did my best to pull myself around the house trying to get myself into some sort of normality. First stop has to be the shower, stale beer, greasy food and cigarette smoke smuthered my clothes. The guys will be around later this evening and I hoped they brought food and beer cus our fridge was bare. After the shower I just slobbed on the couch and channel hopped until the lads were due to arrive, hoping to find some decent sports event to watch. I can’t remember falling asleep but I woke up and it was nearly 7PM, I jumped and threw on some clothes and got myself into some form of presentable, the lads didn’t give a shit. It was just poker, chips and beer anyway. I usually came out on top, my maths has always been better than average.
All the guys were around by about 8PM, so the game was well under way. Luckily they had all brought beer, a few bottles of vodka, some coca cola and bags of junk food. There was 8 playing poker and 4 others on the Xbox blowing shit up lol. It was £10 in the pot to start and £5 buy back, so it was nice bit of cash to pocket. We played 3 games, 2 of which I won, £215 in my pocket. About 10PM there was a knocking at the door, sounded like a broom stick tapping on the glass. Paul went over and opened the door, he looked pretty pissed off and slammed the door, walking back to the table he grunted “Fucking kids”. The door knocked again, this time he ran over pulling it open with anger, “What!!!”. Again nobody was there, he was about to close it when he was hit in the chest with something. “Oi” a high pitched voice said from below, he looked down to see the shortest police officer he had ever seen. “We’ve had some noise complaints, can I come in and speak to the owner David please”. He invited her in shutting the door behind her, I thought nothing of. First little police officer I had ever seen, she must have been 4ft or less. Never really thought about fucking one until I saw her in that tight police outfit, she looked bloody hot lol.
She asked who David was and I skittishly answered “I am David”. She called me over to the table and pulled out a chair. I sat down and asked her “What’s this about officer?” “Shut your mouth, I’m asking the questions here”. I was taken back from her answer, I thought police officers were meant to be polite, but in some weird way I kind of liked it lol. She pulled out her night stick out from her belt and pushed it into my chest, “Put your hands behind your back”. I did what she asked and she pulled out some handcuffs, “Don’t you even think about moving”. She went around behind me, the handcuffs rattling as she did. She grabbed my hand and snapped on the cuffs, fuck do they hurt.
As she finished the 2nd one I heard the stereo kicking out some type of Dance music. I should have known the guys wouldn’t accept that I wanted a quiet night in. She came around to the front and started dancing for me, shaking her ass in what looked like latex leggings. I should have known she was not a bloody copper when I saw her high heels. But what do you expect, I was hung over and drunk again. She wasn’t a bad dancer, I was starting to get a semi hard on just watching, she opened my legs and moved in for a closer dance. She was holding both my legs open while thrusting her fanny towards me, she was biting her bottom lip and making a face that made her look like she was getting fucked. She swung around spread her legs and grabbed her toes, looked like she was doing her stretches. I got a perfect view of her ass now, she was shaking that Beyonce does. I was getting harder and harder as she continued her dance routine. She climbed onto of me and started to ride me like a bucking bronco at one of them rodeos. Grinding her little pussy on my cock. She knew exactly where to grind as I had a bulge in my trousers, I couldn’t adjust myself cus my hands were cuffed behind my back. She stood up on my legs, ripped her top open and began smuthering me with her tits, surprising how big they were compared to her height. While she smuthered me She said “Who’s been a bad boy then”. I could hear all the guys cheering and wolf whistling. I couldn’t help but go bright red and let out an uncontrollable smile which could rival the joker from Batman. She let me out for and air and before I could finish my gasp she belted me with a right hand, straight across my cheek. “Naughty bitch!!”, what’s with the name calling lol, well it fits her character, “Slutty bad copper”. She jumps down off of me and starts to do a strip tease, this was torture for me. Semi naked women dancing for me and I have my damn hands tired, literally. Her tits are out now, I’m really getting a good show and she is not at all fazed by the 11 guys watching her dance for me.
She somehow undoes her leggings and starts to swing them around her head. I can see her fanny now, nicely shaven with just a little tuffed of hair, like a Brazilian but shortened. All she has on is her high heels, maybe 2 or 3 inches high. She has the cutest little arse I have ever seen, nice amount of junk in the trunk. She begins to do what can only be described and some sort of mating ritual, it was very alluring and I was captivated by her moves. She included some very sexy static poses to keep me guessing her next move. As the music slowed down, she reached over to her belt and removed her night stick. It looked to be about 8 inches, looked big in her hands though. She lay on her back and spread her legs, at this point the guys were going fucking mental. They were screaming, jumping up and down the couch and generally acting like crazy people. She positioned the night stick at her fanny and started inserting it a little bit at a time. She got about half way up the night stick and she then began to fuck herself with it. Only using about 3 inches of it to fuck herself, she was really going at it. Some of the lads had their phones out, no doubt recording this to taunt me with tomorrow and whenever they get the urge to in the future. The tempo of the music increased and she kept in rhythm with it, really giving herself a nice fuck. The music ended and she let go of the night stick and raised her hands like a gymnast does after a their routine. I didn’t know how to act at this point, I had never done anything like that before. My heart was still racing, I was set free from my chair prison and I could finally adjust my raging hard on. I grabbed a beer from the fridge and necked it, a down in one job was needed after that. What didn’t help matters was that I was also dying for a slash, I had to run or I would have pissed myself.
When I returned from the bathroom, with a nice empty bladder, she had gotten dressed and was gathering her props. She was about to say her goodbyes until I asked her if she wanted to stay for a drink and a few hands of poker. She was keen to stay, so John threw some pizza’s into the oven and we set up another game. I think she had the advantage at poker, I was quite a bit drunk at this point. We were playing for shots this time not money. Losers take shots, this gave me time to sober up a bit. The ding of the oven told us that the pizza was ready, we all grabbed a slice and chilled on the sofa with some music channel playing. I started talking to the stripper, Chloe was her real name, a cute name for a cute girl. She told me how she ended up being a stripper and said “It’s the only job I have done that pays worth a damn and people stare at me cus I was the main attraction not cus of my height”. I couldn’t help feel bad for her, having to do what she does because that’s the only thing people expect of her, some sort of side show circus act.
I don’t know how long we were talking but I really didn’t care. By this time most of the lads were on their way home or in some sort of collapsed heap on my living room floor, pretty standard Saturday night. She squeezed my leg and told me “You’re a sweet guy”, I leaned over and planted one smack bang on her lips. I had no idea if I was going to get a slap or if she was going to kiss me back. I had to do it, it just felt right. YES!!!! she kissed me back, ace 1-0 to me. We fooled around for a little while on the sofa until she asked me where the bedroom was, GET IN!!!!, this was turning into the best b/day EVER!!!. Period.
We got into the bedroom, I shut the door and did the fastest strip I’d ever done lol. I wasn’t wasting any time messing around. I haven’t got a big cock, it’s an average 6 inches. I have always been a little self concious of my size, maybe watched too many porno’s. She saw how fast I’d gotten undressed, I thought her eyes were going to pop out of her head. She looked at my cock, raised her eye brows and smiled with only the one side of her mouth, the kind of face you pull when a plan comes together. She came over and started sucking my cock, it felt so good, her small hands made it look bigger than it really was. I came within 10 minutes, not really surprising I was so horny from the dancing and strip tease she performed earlier. I threw her onto the bed and started tearing at her clothes. I thought it only happened in movies but people do that weird half kissing and half trying to undress the women routine for real. Finally got her naked, but I made her keep those heels on, I went down on her. I’d never go down on a full bush, but she kept herself nicely groomed downstairs. I was giving her all my arsenal and it seemed to be doing well, she was moaning and giving her tits some play as I worked my magic.
I grabbed a condom from the drawer, slipped it on and jumped on top of her. Even with my size it was a bit of a struggle getting in her. Maybe it was the booze, I was really drunk. Finally got my dick up her and I started giving her some short thrusts, take it a little slow to start, let me find myself. I put my hands just above each of her shoulders and I was really into my stride now. This was odd for me, I was so used to girls being similar heights to me and at least face to face during sex. Her legs barely reached my knee’s and her head was just over my shoulders. It didn’t really phase me, I was getting some action, why should I care how our bodies meet, as long as they did. She turned over and stuck her arse in the air, I loved doggy, makes me feel in control of the women. I took a good grip of her and started giving it to her even harder, she was really enjoying herself, I could hear her muttering words but I was in my own little world. Trying not to cum too soon. Doggy was fun and all but I wanted to experiment, she must have been 80lbs at the most. I picked her pressed her against the wall and started giving it to her again, I didn’t even have to try and hold her up, it was fucking brilliant. Any other girl would be 50lbs heavier, maybe more. This was like a light work out and a good fuck all rolled into one. I fell back onto the bed and flung my hand above my head. She took the cue and starting riding me like a wild horse. Just like the lap dance earlier, this time bare back lol. She was really bouncing around, it was a bit crazy, at one point she was going so hard she nearly fell off the bed. I pissed myself laughing, nearly choking on my own spit at the same time. Not a pleasant feeling at all. I was nearly ready to blow my load, I got her onto her side and give it her from behind, this was the last hurdle before before the big finish so I gave her my all. Making it a great finish, I surprised myself how fast I went. My legs started to twitch and shake, “aggghhhhh yeah” I’d cum, I don’t ever want to see my cum face on a video, it must be fucking awful. I was fucking exhausted, I should really stop drinking, I don’t know if it was the 2 days of drinking or all the junk food, probably both but I could have slept for a week after that shag. I slipped off the johnny, pulled back the covers and we both went to sleep.
I woke up to cotton mouth and my breathe smelt like a cat snuck in and shat in my mouth. I was the only one in the bed when I woke up, she must have woken up early and left me. Now I know how the women I’ve done that to feel, feels a bit shit but it is what it is. I head was killing me and my stomach was it’s own beat boxer. I fucking hope Johns got something cooking, I can’t be fucked to cook for myself. “I heard your mate leaving this morning” “I heard them shagging last night, he was really giving it to her” it was too early for the lads to be giving me shit. “Fucking hell though, she was a good fuck” I sweetened it for the lads as we all did with our conquests, it was a nice b/day fuck to end a bloody good night.